The Adventures Of Naked Kaiba
by Heidikins05
Summary: This is the fic all you Kaiba fans have been waiting for - Kaiba gets stuck in some strange situations, in the raw! Rated because he's naked. Please R&R, I don't torture him or tease him or anything! DONE!
1. Default Chapter

THE ADVENTURES OF NAKED KAIBA

Episode One

Disclaimer: I don't own Kaiba, or Mokuba, or Joey… I don't own anything to do with Yu-Gi-Oh, okay? This story is rated for continuing nudity and the word "doodle." Please review! (BTW, if you really like Kaiba, I mean really like him, and don't like the idea of him being nude and embarrassed, don't read this. But I really like him, I mean really like him, and I wrote this, so yeah.)



Kaiba woke up early one morning and decided to murder his little brother. Not really, but now that I've got your attention, he actually woke up early and got up to have a shower.

He wandered sleepily out of his room and headed for the bathroom. On his way he passed a cement Kaiba Corp logo (KC) standing against the wall. He thought nothing of it because he was too sleepy, and went into the bathroom.

A few minutes later he came out again, dripping wet and wearing a towel. He went over and looked at the cement Kaiba Corp logo. He wondered why it was inside.

"Mokuba!" Kaiba called. His little brother appeared. "Why is there a cement Kaiba Corp logo in the hall?"

"It's meant to be in the yard, Seto," his little brother replied. "It's a yard ornament!"

"A yard ornament."

"Yes. Like a flamingo!"

"I'll put it in the yard then," Kaiba sighed. He picked up the heavy logo and wandered outside, still in his towel, still wet.

One corner of the logo was very sharp. It almost ripped Kaiba's guts open, but he is a smart cookie and held the logo away from him.

Kaiba went to the veggie patch and chose a bare spot to put the logo in. Just as he was about to put it down, he saw a worm on the ground. His little brother liked worms, so Kaiba would feel bad if he squashed it. So instead he nudged it with his foot.

"Move, worm," he said. The worm didn't move. Kaiba nudged it again. The worm wriggled a bit. Kaiba decided to squash the stupid worm anyway, and made to put the Kaiba Corp logo lawn ornament down.

As he put it down, the sharp corner of the cement logo caught Kaiba's towel and ripped it clean in half (I can see people out there drooling. I bet you all think he has a nine-incher and a six-pack! He probably does actually, carting around stupid lawn ornaments. Anyway).

Kaiba didn't look aggro for a split second; he looked shocked. His towel was now in two far too small, useless pieces on the muddy ground and squashed worm, and he was naked.

There was only one thing to do. He had to get back inside (duh). So Kaiba turned around, checked to make sure no nosy neighbours or stupid people like Joey Wheeler were watching, and headed for the house.

And here he met his second problem (his first being that he was naked in his back yard); the door had locked behind him.

Kaiba sighed and banged on the door. "Mokuba! Mokuba, let me come in!"

From inside the house come the sound of Mokuba laughing, thinking his brother was playing some sort of (stupid) nursery rhymes game, and replied; "not by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!"

"You don't have any hairs on your chin you little twerp, now let me in before the neighbours see me, I'm naked!"

Mokuba came to the door and looked through the glass panel. "Seto? Why are you naked?"

"Because of your stupid lawn ornament, open the door!"

"Hang on, I have to find the remote for the locks." Mokuba wandered off to find said door remote.

Kaiba sat down on the stairs, grumbling to himself. "Stupid electric door locks, who has electric door locks?! Why'd I install the stupid things, who invented them anyway? Wait, I invented them, why did I do that, stupid door locks."

Mokuba was quite useless at finding things, so Kaiba decided he'd best protect his modesty. He looked around himself and saw an old Mintie on the ground. He picked it up and stood up, holding it in front of his manliness. Then he discarded it again, deciding he did not have a Mintie doodle.

Then he remembered the Kaiba Corp lawn ornament. As long as he held the pointy end away from himself that ornament would offer sufficient protection and wouldn't hurt a bit.

Kaiba went to the veggie patch and pulled the lawn ornament out of the ground. He dusted mud and worm off of it and held it up against himself.

"That's a little better," he muttered. "I hope Mokuba's found the remote by now."

Kaiba went back to his back door and knocked again. "Mokuba, have you found the remote yet?"

"Sure have, watch out big brother!" Mokuba yelled. He pressed the "open" button and the door unlocked. It also flung open, hitting Kaiba in the face and sending him flying.

He landed on his back and dropped his Kaiba Corp logo lawn ornament. A nosy neighbour (they were female, don't worry) peered over the fence and took a photo of the unconscious naked Kaiba lying in the middle of the backyard.

"Seto? Are you okay?" Mokuba asked.

Half an hour later

Kaiba was conscious, dressed, and sat at the kitchen table with an icepack on his face.

"Mmf mm mmfmm, mm mmf mm mf mm mmk!" he said angrily.

"What Seto?" Mokuba said.

Kaiba threw away the icepack. "I said, once I'm better I'm going to take off that lock."

Well that was the first episode. Please please PLEASE review. I really want reviews. And if you liked this, please review my other story, "Smudgey-Oh, the Movie!" It has less nudity and embarrassed Kaiba, and more of the other characters.


	2. Chapter Two

THE ADVENTURES OF NAKED KAIBA

Episode Two

Disclaimer: I don't own Kaiba, or Mokuba … I don't own anything to do with Yu-Gi-Oh, still. But maybe one day… Ahem, anyway. This story is rated for more nude Kaiba. Please review this chapter as well!



It was the day after Kaiba's unfortunate nude episode. He was treating himself to a day off work because of it.

Mokuba was running around getting him orange juice and wearing a housewife apron, which annoyed Kaiba but he liked the orange juice so he let it go.

Next door, the postman arrived and delivered the lady some letters and some photos she'd had developed.

"Oh, my photos," she said, getting them out. One was of a flower, which she was sending off to the dressers so they could sew a picture of it onto a dress for her. The other was the photo of her rich next-door neighbour lying unconscious and naked in his backyard. She was sending _that _to Playboy, they'd give her fifty cents for that photo.

Now this lady was very old. So old she had Alzheimer's, whatever that was, she'd forgotten.

Thus when she put her photos into their envelopes, she forgot which was in what envelope. So she just addressed them to what she hoped were the right places and mailed them off.

Meanwhile, Kaiba was drinking large amounts of orange juice and enjoying the fact that today he had clothes on. He looked out into the backyard and saw the Kaiba Corp logo on the lawn where he'd left it and his muddy towel lying in pieces beside it.

"Mokuba, why did we have a Kaiba Corp lawn ornament anyway?" Kaiba asked.

"Oh, um, no reason…" Mokuba said. "The lawn looks a lot nicer now though."

"No it doesn't, it looks messy. It's full of muddy worm towel and Kaiba Corp lawn ornament."

"…………. It's a nice day today!" Mokuba said and ran off to get more orange juice. He

didn't think it would be a good idea to tell his big brother that he thought the yard looked empty so he got Kaiba's heavies to knock the Kaiba Corp Logo off the top of the Kaiba Corp building, and then Mokuba bought it home to stick in the yard.

Besides, he had enough to worry about without the added worry of his big brother having to climb back up to the top of their building and put the sharp lawn ornament back. With Kaiba's luck he'd end up naked on top of the building.

What Mokuba was worrying about right now was the photo his crazy old next door neighbour had taken. Lucky Kaiba was unconscious when she took the photo, because he wouldn't have been happy that the "crazy old bat next door who couldn't remember what disease it was she had to take medicine for" was seeing him in the nude.

Mokuba knew he had to get that photo back somehow. The question was, how?



Two days later, Kaiba was back at work, yelling at people because the Kaiba Corp logo was missing off the top of his building.

Mokuba was hiding in the laundry room. He didn't know why Kaiba Corp had a laundry room, but it did. He was waiting until everyone was out of the corridor, then he was sneaking back home and going to see his next-door neighbour before that photo fell into the wrong hands. His brother was NOT a social person, so girls and gays following him around hoping his clothes would come off would not go down well. He'd probably hit them with the missing Kaiba Corp logo, once he realised it was in his backyard.

The corridor was empty, and Mokuba slunk out humming the Mission Impossible theme. But he only knew one bar of it, so he kept repeating it and it got annoying.

Mokuba annoyed himself so badly he messed up his slinking and had to watch his feet and he walked. When he reached the foyer he ran head first into Kaiba's knees.

"Ow, Seto!" he whined.

"Mokuba, what are you doing? You should be working."

"You should be too, instead you're kneeing people in the head."

Kaiba glared at him, but he was too high above Mokuba to be seen properly. "Go on Mokuba, get back to your office."

Mokuba knew the one way to get out of this was to use great sophisticatedliness. He hugged his brother around the knees. "It's okay, I'm just going to get some food," he said, giving him puppy eyes. "I love you big brother."

Kaiba could not resist such an onslaught of cuteness from one of the only things he actually cared about (the others being his job, his cards and orange juice). "Alright alright, but come back."

"I will!" Mokuba said, running out of the building.

"And get me some orange juice!!!"



Mokuba knocked on the crazy next-door neighbours door. Then he realised he didn't know her name.

"Hello," she said, opening the door.

"Well hi, Mrs um… Anyway, I'm just here on a friendly visit!" Mokuba said. "Can I come in?"

"You certainly can," the lady said, letting him inside. "I've been waiting for someone to visit, I've got a new dress!"

She ushered Mokuba inside and produced the dress with a flourish. Mokuba gaped. "What kind of a dress is THAT?"

"I don't know, I swear I sent off a picture of flowers to be sewn onto the dress," the lady said, inspecting the picture of naked Kaiba which had been expertly stitched onto her dress. "I can't wear this to bingo – I say, who are you young man?" she demanded of Mokuba.

"What? You crazy old woman, I'm your next-door – hmmm…" Mokuba got an idea. "I'm a person from a um, place where dresses get… made, and I'm here to confiscate yours, because it has that… interesting picture on it which is just not suitable for bingo. So hand over the dress lady!"

"I can't, this dress cost me heaps to have made and it's the only nice clothing I've got, I can't just get rid of it."

"Hmm, how about if I get you more clothes? Then can I have that dress?" Mokuba asked.

"Certainly little boy."

"Wait here then you crazy old cow." So saying, Mokuba ran home and up to Kaiba's room.

He threw open his brother's wardrobe and inspected the contents. He decided everything would fit the crazy old lady next door and grabbed it all in his arms. Then he ran back to the lady's house, dropping coat hangers everywhere. He barged on inside again.

"Here you are, lots of lovely Kaiba Corp clothes for you to wear to bingo. Yours for the small price of one dress with my naked brother stitched onto it!" Mokuba announced, dumping the stuff on the couch.

"Oh how lovely, I do like this big white jacket!"

"Oh hell no, you can't have that one!" Mokuba said, taking it back. "It's erm… germy. Yes, covered in… rabies germs. But everything else is safe."

"Oh, well in that case, here is the dress you wanted," the old woman said, handing over a green dress.

"No, that's the wrong one, I want the purple one."

The purple dress was duly produced and Mokuba went back home, picking up coat hangers on the way. He went inside, wrapped the purple dress up like a Christmas present and put it in his room. Then he went to sleep on the couch under his brother's favourite jacket.

Kaiba came home from work early that day, to see what had become of his little brother and his orange juice. He found Mokuba asleep on the couch under his favourite jacket, but no orange juice.

So he took the jacket and put it on, then woke his brother. "Mokuba, why didn't you come back to work and where's my orange juice?"

"Oh, big brother, I was on a very important mission. The crazy lady next door that you don't like had a photo of you naked in the backyard!"

"WHAT???!!!"

"It's true Seto, I went over there to get it back but she didn't have it. But I traded all of your clothes for something, I'll go get it."

Mokuba ran up to his room and got the wrapped up dress, then came back downstairs. Kaiba was sitting on the couch, mortified. He had no clothes AGAIN! Well, at least he was wearing something this time.

"Here Seto, it's a present!" Mokuba said, handing it over.

"Mokuba, I'm more worried about the photo – "

"Open your present big brother, please?" Mokuba asked.

Kaiba sighed and opened the present. He pulled out the dress. "Oh, a dress. Hooray."

"Look at the picture Seto. See, I got back the photo. Kind of," Mokuba beamed.

Kaiba decided he needed another day off.



Well that was Episode Two, I hope you liked it! This one actually had some sort of plot. Please please please please PLEASE review, I love reviews!


	3. Chapter Three

THE ADVENTURES OF NAKED KAIBA

Episode Three

Disclaimer: I don't own Kaiba, or Mokuba … I don't own anything to do with Yu-Gi-Oh, still. I also don't own Gollum's very famous "preciousssss" line, which I _know _has been done to death but oh well. This story is rated for more nude Kaiba. Please review this chapter as well!



Kaiba was resting. He'd been doing a lot of that lately, but usually when he rested he had clothes on. Today he was totally naked again, sitting in bed. He hadn't had the chance to buy some new clothes yet, so while Mokuba was washing his only clothes he was sitting up in bed, sipping orange juice and looking at his Egyptian God Card.

"It's all mine, preciousssss… all mine…" he hissed to himself. "My preciousss… pre – oh shit!"

A freak gust of wind blew through the open window, blowing the card straight out of Kaiba's hand and across the garden. Kaiba jumped up and leant out the window, watching his precious card blow into the garden shed.

"Damn," Kaiba cursed.

He stood up and headed out of his room and the house to the garden shed, passing Mokuba in the laundry, who was watching the washing machine to make sure it didn't explode like last time. Kaiba had tried to explain that it had exploded because Mokuba had put gunpowder in there instead of washing powder, but Mokuba wouldn't listen.

Anyway, back to Kaiba, who was running naked across the backyard to the shelter and safety of his garden shed. If you could call it safe. The shed was as old as the hills, rusted all over and shook like a leaf if you blew on it. Kaiba and Mokuba never used the shed or the things inside, so they didn't see the point in maintaining it.

Kaiba pulled the door open and it almost fell off its hinges. He closed it behind him so that no one could take photos of him naked in the shed, and looked around for his card.

It was lying in a particularly large dust bunny.

"Ew," Kaiba said. He picked up his card and polished the dust off it. "Poor Obelisk The Tormenter. Let's get you back inside with my orange juice."

He turned the door, but stopped. There was an ominous creaking. Kaiba looked around worriedly. He was too rich to be killed by having an old garden shed collapse on him while he was naked.

The creaking sounded again, and suddenly the guttering outside fell down, in front of the door, and stuck there. Kaiba grabbed the door handle and pushed desperately, but the door only opened an inch.

"Oh bloody hell – MOKUBA!" he yelled, bashing on the door.



Inside, Mokuba was sitting by the washing machine, listening to it. Every now and again he's lift the lid to look inside, but every time he did that the water stopped moving.

"I'm onto you," he said to the machine. "You can't trick me. I'm not letting you explode again. I'm not leaving here till you finish washing Seto's clothes – "

Mokuba stopped threatening the washing machine and listened. Someone was at the door. He stood up and headed to the front door. The person knocked again, just as Mokuba opened the door, so he got a face full of fist.

"Watch it! Joey!" Mokuba paused. "Why are you here?"

"'Ey there Komuba!"

"It's Mokuba."

"Yeah, dat. I'm here ta see your brother."

"Seto? Why?"

"Just coz. Where is he?" Joey looked around.

"He's in bed I think. Drinking O.J." Mokuba pointed upstairs to Kaiba's door.

"Tanks Bokuma."

"It's Mokuba!"

Joey headed off upstairs and "Bokuma" went back to his washing machine.

"What's wrong with you, washing machine?!" he said, alarmed. "You sound like someone banging on the garden shed! Wait…" Mokuba looked out of the window and saw the garden shed shaking dangerously. "Someone's in my shed!"

Mokuba turned off his untrustworthy washing machine and ran outside. He noticed the guttering in front of the door, and also that the door was open an inch. He put his face up to it and peered through.

"MOKUBA!" Kaiba yelled from inside.

Mokuba fell over backwards, conveniently into some mud. "Ugh, Seeeet-toooo!" he whined.

"Mokuba, is that you? Move the guttering!" Kaiba demanded.

Mokuba grumbled but grabbed the guttering and started to pull it away.



Joey wandered into Kaiba's room. "'Ey Kaiba, got any O.J. left buddy? I'm tirsty!" Then he stopped. Kaiba wasn't there. "Kaiba? He's gone."

Joey shrugged to himself and wandered around Kaiba's room. On the end of the bed he noticed some purple clothing.

"Purple," he grinned. "What a poof." He picked it up and laughed. "It's a dress!" He turned it around and stopped laughing. "AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! NAKED KAIBA!"

Joey averted his eyes, then grinned. "Heheheh, somethin' tells me dis will be useful one day." He bundled the dress up and tucked it under his arm, then ran out of the

room again.

"Hahahahahahaha!" he laughed evilly, running out of the house. "Bye Mobuka!"

"IT'S MOKUBA!!!!!!!!!" Mokuba screamed from outside.

"Ow, easy Mobuka, you almost burst my eardrum," Kaiba said.

"MY NAME IS MOKUBA!" Mokuba yanked angrily on the guttering and it came away from the door.

"Thanks Mokuba," Kaiba said, coming out of the shed. "Remind me to knock that shed down."

"Yes Seto." Together they walked back up to the house. Mokuba went back to his washing machine and Kaiba went back to his room. He put his card back into his Duel Disk before something else happened, and hid his Duel Disk under the bed.

"Now for some nice, refreshing orange juice," he sighed, picking up his glass and taking a sip. He glanced at the end of his bed. It was strangely un-purple.

Kaiba spat orange juice everywhere. "WHERE'S MY DRESS??!!!"



Two days later Kaiba was getting driven back to work. He had destroyed the garden shed, and thrown away the lawn ornament which he hated so much. He was also dressed, and more importantly he was HAPPY. He had figured out Joey Wheeler had stolen his dress, but he had a way to get it back.

When they got out of the limo, two heavies were waiting to escort them inside. As they were walking, Kaiba looked up at the top of his Kaiba Corp building.

"Hey, you've got another Kaiba Corp logo. It looks just like the old one, how'd you get a new one so fast?" Kaiba asked.

"We found a lawn ornament at the rubbish tip that looked just like the old logo," one of the heavies said. "We just hosed the squashed worm and old bath towel off it and put it back on top of the building."

Kaiba blinked. "I beg your pardon? Squashed worm and… and _bath towel_?"

"Yes sir."

Kaiba looked sidelong at Mokuba and cracked his knuckles. "Mokuba Kaiba…!"

Mokuba ran.



I hope you liked that ending, I actually did. Anyway, can't write anymore, I'm listening to this great song by Good Charlotte. It's called "My Bloody Valentine." One of the first lines in the song is "I ripped out his throat." You can imagine what a good song it is! Please review this chapter, PLEASE!


	4. Final Chapter

THE ADVENTURES OF NAKED KAIBA

Episode Four

Isn't this weird? I'm finally, at least a year later, writing the final chapter for this story, because I read it on Her Sweetness's favourite stories list and I read it and I thought "wow, I like that story… hey wait that's mine!" I've forgotten what I had planned so I'm just making it up off the top of my head for the sake of finishing. Hope everyone finds it again and likes it!



It was Saturday. Kaiba had had a very stressful week and he'd barely been to work. But having your worst enemy steal your dress with your naked picture sown into it can be, and is, very stressing.

But Kaiba was going to get his dress back. He just needed a plan, any old plan would do, he knew Joey would fall for anything. So he got onto his computer.

When in doubt, use the computer.

He opened up the internet, and Google, and typed in:

"ugliest man in world"

He was hoping for a picture of Joey, but no such luck. So onto Plan B. One of the websites' descriptions was "pictures of the ugliest man in the world." Satisfied, Seto clicked the link.

It opened a yellow, purple and green web page. It should have been the ugliest _web page _in the world, but, anyway. Large green letters announced:

THE FOLLOWING IS A PICTURE OF THE UGLIEST MAN IN THE WORLD. PEOPLE WITH A WEAK DISPOSITION/STOMACH/HEART SHOULD LEAVE _NOW_.

But Seto was tough. He scrolled down and saw… a picture of an old man.

"He's not so ugly," Kaiba said. "Kinda looks like Yugi's grandpa."

There was a description underneath, but Kaiba ignored it. He just copied the picture and saved it in a Paint file. Then he opened a picture of Joey he happened to have on his computer, and after a bit of tampering, Joey looked like the ugliest man in the world.

"Not that he didn't before," Kaiba said. "Wait, why do I have a picture of Joey?"

Seto Kaiba printed out several copies of his ingeniously ingenious picture, and took a little walk…



Kaiba had walked all the way to jail, only to discover Joey wasn't there. Seems he'd never been arrested.

"Not yet anyway," Kaiba warned the police man, and left again.

So now Seto Kaiba headed for Joey Wheeler's actual _house_.

"Wait, why do I know where Joey lives?" Kaiba wondered. "Am I a stalker?"

That worrying comment aside, Kaiba soon arrived at Joey's place. He rang the doorbell, because he was _not _some common schmuck who knocks like other common schmucks. However after half an hour he decided the doorbell didn't work, so he knocked on the door huffily.

A few minutes later Joey answered the door. "Kaiba? Whaddya _you _want?"

"Wheeler… why are you wearing my dress?"

Joey stood before Kaiba, resplendent in a dress of deep plum purple.

"I like dresses…" Joey huffed to himself.

"Well that's MY dress with MY naked… ME on it, and I want it back!" Kaiba snapped.

"Too bad, I like dresses."

"Stop saying that."

"PLEASE HELP ME KAIBA, I LIKE DRESSES!"

"Get off me." Kaiba shoved him away. "It's not in my nature to help you Wheeler. However I'm willing to do you a trade…"

"Really?" Joey was fascinated.

"Yes, you give me my dress, and I will give you……… THIS PICTURE OF YOU WHEN YOU WERE UGLY! Not that you aren't still now," Kaiba added hastily, then held up the picture. "Behold!"

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Joey gasped. "It's hideous! Is that me? I don't remember looking like that! Was I asleep?"

"…Yes Wheeler. But there there. I'll give you every known picture of your ugliness…" Kaiba held up the other pictures. "In exchange for my naked dress."

"DEAL!" Joey ripped off the dress and handed it to Kaiba, who winced.

"I am soooo glad you're wearing boxers right now Wheeler."

Kaiba took his dress and stormed off in a huff, leaving Joey looking at his photos, devastated. "I can never sleep again…" Joey muttered. "I might wake up _stuck _like this!"



Meanwhile, Kaiba had made it home. He went into his laundry, where Mokuba was putting the washing powder (read: gun powder) into the washing machine.

"Ah, Mokuba, I'm just in time," Kaiba said. "Put this in there." He threw his little brother the dress.

"Okay Seto." Mokuba put it in and pressed the buttons. Kaiba took a step back. "No need to be scared Seto, this machine hasn't acted up in a long time, no way will it explode tod – "

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Mokuba stood with a singed face, shocked, watching as the remains of their clothes and washing machine caught fire and burnt down into nothing. Kaiba was amused, however.

"I'm finally rid of that dress."

"But Seto all your other clothes were being washed too!"

"…"



Kaiba and Mokuba were standing in the middle of their lounge room. Kaiba was fully dressed, holding a stapler, and parts of his body were shining silver. Hmm…

"Seto, are you sure about this?" Mokuba asked uncertainly. "It seems pretty painful, and dangerous…"

"Mokie, I have thought this over. This is the best way to ensure I am clothed forever. I am stapling these clothes to my body. I've done everything except my boxers." He reached into the front of his pants with the stapler.

"Big brother I'm not sure if that's such a great – "

CLICK! (Stapling sound)

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!"



Well that's it! I FINISHED! Go me! Thank you, thank you. I can sleep easy tonight. Thanks again!


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